Turtle Can Fly: September 2007

29th September 2007 3:15am

Astonished by how quickly time flies. By monday, i wld be 1 year into my job.... I should be feeling happy, shouldnt I? Afterall, this job has brought me to lots of places, places that i thought i might never be able to go.. not at least b4 i turn 30. Places like the Hermitage museum at St Petersburg where some of Leonardo da Vinci's most famous work are kept.. and of coz, also places like THE KOP.. Yes, Anfield stadium, pride of Liverpool... still can't believe that i was actually right at its door steps staring at the famous Paisley Gateway just some 20 over hours ago. Not even those who knew abt my relationship with Liverpool FC will be able to imagine how I feel there and then..no one, not even myself. Tell me its just a dream, i will believe u, honestly.

So now what? Am i a happy man now that i have accomplished some of my personal dreams with this company. If i tell you i am not as happy as i thought i should be, am i being unreasonable? Am i greedy, if i am going to say i wanted something more? something more pragmatic than merely giving the chances to go to places that are out of my dreams? Do i even deserve all these anyway?

Truly enjoyed my road trip to liverpool alone. From figuring out the surreal complexities of the subway to negotiating my way at the Euston train station and surving an creepy night in a 100 years old hotel.. frankly i didnt really missed anyone thru out this trip at all, simply indulged in the quietness of just me and my footsteps... and at that very moment, I know i am truly happy from within. Does this meant i am really an introvert in nature?

So what am i exactly? what am i to my parents? what am i to my sister? my gf? what am i to my friends? what am i to my colleagues? or even my boss? Ideally, I really really just wish to be me.. but i know i cant. i can never be the real me facing these people... simply becoz expectations of me from these pple are never the same. Sometimes i wish some these pple can be more understanding towards the decisions i made at certain given circumstances. Pleasing one party will surely upset another. After all, expectations is always a zero sum game isnt it? darn, hell wif it...

I wish i can meet someone like me... someone who totally thinks and feels exactly like me. Ever thought i met someone like that but it didnt work out.. so guess no such person exist or things just dun work like that.. at least not the way we wants it to be, no matter how desperately we wants it to be... yea?

so how far have i grown? still lazy to wake up every morning, still having difficulty controlling my finances, still cant communicate wif my dad, still finding the courage to love somebody again. Still the same old me... am i losing control of myself or am i allowing myself to be out of control?

From now onwards, i will be in control of my future. I have to do this... or else 20 years on, i will still be the same old me.

Bryan

London